Man’s Political Opinions Now 94% Cuss Words, 6% Fox News Adjectives
He says he’s not mad — just ‘fuckin’ awake.’ No one’s slept since.
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DeMockracy | US
US Presidential Candidate Vows to Appoint ‘Truth Czar’ for All Online Discourse
A leading candidate has promised to establish a federal office dedicated to verifying every tweet and post, raising concerns about the nation’s new official “like” and “dislike” button for reality.
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Red States Begin Banning Electric Cars for Being “Too Woke”
The movement, unofficially dubbed “Operation Roll Coal 2.0”, started in Mississippi, where State Senator Carl Duntley (R–Hattiesburg) introduced a bill declaring that “electric vehicles represent not only an attack on traditional American energy, but also a threat to masculine identity, family values, and the sacred act of internal combustion.”
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Ear-raser: Secret Service Confirms Trump Has Erasable Ear Damage
Experts now referring to the incident as an “Ear-aser” — the wound is gone, like a dry erase board wiped clean with national delusion.
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DeMockracy | US
Local Mayor Announces He’s Not Running Again, Residents Surprised He Was Mayor
After three terms, Mayor Dan Whitmore confirmed he won’t seek reelection. Voters thanked him for his service, then quickly Googled who he was.
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DeMockracy | US
Congress Accidentally Agrees on Something, Immediately Investigates Itself
A rare moment of bipartisan alignment on basic infrastructure funding left lawmakers so confused they assumed corruption and called for an ethics review.
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RFK Jr. Says He’s Not Anti-Vaccine, Just Pro Fictional Immunology
The former independent presidential candidate clarified that he’s not against vaccines, he’s just more into “theoretical immune systems that align with liberty and sound like your cousin’s podcast.”
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Assassination Attempt on Trump Immediately Met With Surge in Conspiracies
Within minutes of the shooting, internet users had already blamed the FBI, the Clintons, five unrelated TikTokers, and one retired librarian from Michigan.
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Trump Asks Why His Name Is on Epstein List He Claims Doesn’t Exist
After denying the legitimacy of the list, Trump demanded to know who added him, when, and whether it was “in Sharpie or deep state font.”
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Trump Vows to End Birthright Citizenship Says Real Americans Are Born at Golf Resorts
The president announced that future citizenship will depend on “location, bloodline, and whether the infant respects real estate branding.”
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Trump Claims He Was President of United States In a Spiritual Sense Since 2016
At a recent rally, the former president clarified that while he may not be president “on paper,” he remains president “in essence, in energy, and maybe even in several parallel timelines.”
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Taylor Swift to Moderate 2028 Presidential Debate
The pop icon will host the first Gen Z-targeted debate, featuring policy questions, themed bracelets, and a “Midterms (Taylor’s Version)” companion EP.
