He Won’t Define the Relationship Until His Therapist Approves
Filed on July 23, 2025
Dear Dr. Doctrine,
I’ve been dating this guy for about four months. Things are great when we’re together, but every time I bring up the idea of making it official, he says something like, “I’m working on that in therapy.”
Last time I asked, he said he couldn’t define anything until his therapist helped him “unlock a few relational blocks.” I respect mental health, but it feels like I’m dating a therapy client, not a person.
Am I being impatient, or is this emotional gatekeeping?
— Emotionally Waitlisted
Dr. Doctrine, PhD
Licensed in Emotional Overreaction
Dear Emotionally Waitlisted,
There’s a fine line between healing and hiding — and your situationship just built a yurt on top of it.
Therapy is a beautiful thing. So is accountability. But when someone uses therapy as a firewall to avoid giving you a basic answer, it stops being growth and starts becoming evasion wrapped in jargon.
You are not asking him to deliver a TED Talk on his attachment style. You’re asking if you’re in a relationship. If that requires an entire cognitive unboxing with an emotional onboarding flowchart, you’re not dating a man — you’re beta testing a self-help app.
You deserve clarity. Not after “one more session,” not after “emotional feedback loops,” but now. If he can’t define the relationship, then maybe you should define the exit.
Affectionately outraged,
— Dr. Doctrine
Connor Descend
What I’m hearing is that this man has placed you in a “Relational Backlog Queue (RBQ).” Common startup dating mistake.
You’re not a person to him right now — you’re a potential feature. The therapist is the product manager. And emotional commitment is in sprint planning.
My advice? Don’t wait for the Jira ticket to close. Ship yourself somewhere better. Or at least open-source your needs to someone who doesn’t require emotional API access just to commit.
Damn, I sound like I need a life.
— Connor
CTO of Feelings™
