tmp horoscope

A Satirical Guide to the Stars That Probably Ghosted You

Breathe in. Hold it. Now exhale all expectations. You’ve arrived at the intersection of cosmic insight and questionable advice.

At The Mocking Post, our horoscopes aren’t written in stone tablets or ancient scrolls. They’re etched in beach sand, whispered by crystals that vape, and guided by a higher consciousness that definitely uses dry shampoo. We’re not here to predict your fate — we’re here to mess with it.

Each forecast is tailored to your sign’s deepest desires, strangest habits, and worst exes. Our astrologers? Let’s just say they’ve meditated under full moons, charged their houseplants, and once got kicked out of a sound bath for asking if the bowls were dishwasher-safe.

Whether you’re an overthinking Virgo, a brunch-addicted Leo, or a Pisces who’s still texting your ex “just to check in,” we’ve got your astral snackpack right here.