Labor Statistics Dismissed for Failing to Inflate Unemployment Bragging Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise Friday morning statement, the White House confirmed the removal of top Bureau of Labor Statistics chief, Erika McEntarfer, citing her failure to produce “the kind of unemployment numbers that make America feel successful again.”

According to sources close to the administration, President Trump grew frustrated after the monthly labor report listed the national unemployment rate as 4.1%, which he felt “didn’t sound as good as it used to.”

“It used to be a low number. Now it’s fake low,” Trump reportedly said during an impromptu hallway press conference outside the White House bathroom. “We need numbers that reflect how great I am. Four-point-one? That’s, like, practically Obama math and I don’t even know math.”

The President allegedly asked McEntarter to “round down patriotically” and “show some national pride in the decimals.” When she refused to “apply a little MAGA magic to the spreadsheet,” she was escorted out of her office by a man holding a novelty calculator and a red hat.

Acting Labor Secretary Rick “Skip” Delman, a former TV infomercial host for discounted gold, has been appointed interim Head of Statistics. In his first statement, Delman unveiled a new initiative to reclassify unemployed Americans as “self-directed income strategists.”

“We’re not changing the facts,” Delman clarified. “We’re simply updating the language to be more investor-friendly.”

Critics warn that politicizing labor data sets a dangerous precedent, but supporters argue the numbers were never “truly American” to begin with.

President Trump was seen on Truth Social announcing, “BREAKING: Unemployment now NEGATIVE 3%! They owe us jobs!”

The search for the new Chief is now in process by combing Fox News personalities with rumors that Jesse Watters may be considered if he agrees to let Trump personally approve his family’s bedtime reading list.