Woman Chooses Salad Bar Over Liposuction, Demands Results by Tuesday

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — After years of considering liposuction, local woman Brittany Malone decided to “go natural” and lose weight through the power of the salad bar, a choice she now describes as “the biggest scam since portion sizes.”

“I thought if I picked spinach over suction, the universe would meet me halfway,” Malone said, stabbing a cherry tomato with the energy of a betrayed customer. “It’s been four days. I’ve eaten kale, I’ve taken selfies, and somehow I still look like someone who eats bread.”

Sources close to Malone say her new diet began after she watched a three-minute motivational reel about ‘healing through whole foods,’ which she interpreted as ‘results without cardio.’ She immediately signed up for a salad subscription service and has since complained daily about “a total lack of visible transformation.”

“She asked if there’s a way to fast-track digestion,” said her friend Dana. “Like, same-day processing. She said her lettuce feels lazy.”

Nutrition experts note that many Americans struggle with the time it takes for healthy habits to work, often abandoning progress if results aren’t measurable within one Instagram post.

“People treat metabolism like Amazon Prime,” said dietitian Dr. Carol Ivins. “They expect abs to arrive in two business days with free returns.”

By day six, Malone began accusing vegetables of “gatekeeping thinness” and demanded to speak to “whoever’s in charge of fat loss.” She has since unfollowed several fitness influencers for “false advertising” after realizing salads don’t come with before-and-after filters.

“I’m not giving up,” she said, sighing into her ranch dressing. “I just think if I’m going to chew this much, I deserve to look amazing by brunch.”

At press time, Malone was last seen googling “organic liposuction,” something she hopes comes in a mason jar.