Business | Culture | Tech | The Mock Locker
Girl Gets 3 Days Detention for AirDropping Inspirational Quote
A sophomore’s digital pep talk spiraled into a disciplinary crackdown after students began feeling mildly better about themselves.
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Ear-raser: Secret Service Confirms Trump Has Erasable Ear Damage
Experts now referring to the incident as an “Ear-aser” — the wound is gone, like a dry erase board wiped clean with national delusion.
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DeMockracy | US
Local Mayor Announces He’s Not Running Again, Residents Surprised He Was Mayor
After three terms, Mayor Dan Whitmore confirmed he won’t seek reelection. Voters thanked him for his service, then quickly Googled who he was.
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DeMockracy | US
Congress Accidentally Agrees on Something, Immediately Investigates Itself
A rare moment of bipartisan alignment on basic infrastructure funding left lawmakers so confused they assumed corruption and called for an ethics review.
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RFK Jr. Says He’s Not Anti-Vaccine, Just Pro Fictional Immunology
The former independent presidential candidate clarified that he’s not against vaccines, he’s just more into “theoretical immune systems that align with liberty and sound like your cousin’s podcast.”
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Assassination Attempt on Trump Immediately Met With Surge in Conspiracies
Within minutes of the shooting, internet users had already blamed the FBI, the Clintons, five unrelated TikTokers, and one retired librarian from Michigan.
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Trump Asks Why His Name Is on Epstein List He Claims Doesn’t Exist
After denying the legitimacy of the list, Trump demanded to know who added him, when, and whether it was “in Sharpie or deep state font.”
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Trump Vows to End Birthright Citizenship Says Real Americans Are Born at Golf Resorts
The president announced that future citizenship will depend on “location, bloodline, and whether the infant respects real estate branding.”
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Trump Claims He Was President of United States In a Spiritual Sense Since 2016
At a recent rally, the former president clarified that while he may not be president “on paper,” he remains president “in essence, in energy, and maybe even in several parallel timelines.”
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Doctrine | Relationship | Work
My boss keeps trying to gamify our sadness
My boss recently introduced a new ’emotional wellness initiative’ where we track our feelings in a Slack channel and earn points for vulnerability.
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Proposition 47B Would Ban Future Propositions, Voters Unsure Supporting It
Supporters say the measure would simplify democracy. Opponents argue it’s a paradox wrapped in a ballot wrapped in 14 pages of fine print.
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Florida Teens Carrying Handguns Soaring, This Isn’t a Drill
Gun hormones are trending—and not in a good way. Florida teen handgun carrying jumped from 3.7% to 6% in 20 years, with middle schoolers and girls leading the charge. Here’s where the worries start—and how we could actually help.
