Don’t Be Boring: My Ideal Date Involves Sedating Large Predators or Mountain Summits

If your idea of a great first date involves lattes, polite banter, or a short walk that ends in eye contact, I’m going to have to respectfully no longer respect you. My ideal date begins with limited oxygen and ends with a shared brush with death.

I want adrenaline. I want wildlife that could maul us if we slip up emotionally or geographically. I want to know if you’re the type of man who can operate a flare gun under pressure.

“Let’s just keep it chill and get drinks,” you say? Absolutely not. I didn’t buy tactical leggings to sit still while you describe your startup. Take me to a summit. A glacier. A location that requires satellite tracking and one vague warning from a park ranger named Cody. If we’re not helicoptered out, was it even real?

It’s not that I’m difficult. It’s just that I’ve already dated enough emotionally unavailable men to crave physical danger for balance. I don’t need you to open up. I need you to rappel down the north face while telling me about your childhood.

Sedating large predators is optional — but encouraged.

No, I don’t do casual. No, I won’t “grab dinner.” And no, I don’t think “slow and steady” is romantic. That’s how your ex made you boring. I’ve met your type. You say you’re spontaneous but own a NutriBullet. I’m not judging — I’m just already moving toward the waterfall you said looked unsafe.

If this feels like too much, that’s fine. You can match with someone who wants to do brunch and pretend she’s cool with your commitment to CrossFit and avoidance. Or you can climb this ridge with me, possibly dislocate your shoulder, and feel something.

Those are your options. I’ll be halfway up. Don’t be late.