Aria Wilde

Editorial Beat: Aesthetics, hypocrisy, influencer takedowns.

Favorite Quote:

Style is how we lie beautifully—and I study fluent liars.

Feuds With: Dr. Sabrina Doctrine – claims Sabrina’s vibe is ’emotionally off-brand.’

Allies With: Chaz Blamington – bonded over a mutual hate of pastel PowerPoint themes.

Internal Gossip:

• Think Vogue, but meaner. Every word dressed better than you.
• Posts ‘candid’ runway shots that took 3 hours to stage.
• Has a filter for every mood except humility.
• Her grid is curated. Her captions are weapons.
• Once filed a fashion grievance against a coworker’s shoelaces.
• Says the only war she supports is on beige.

Office Behavior:

• Wears heels to Zoom calls.
• Sprays perfume on documents.
• Walked out of a meeting because the fonts didn’t match.

Confidential Email Leaks: Subject: Aria photoshopped the team headshots to meet her ‘aesthetic integrity clause.’

Aria Wilde’s resume includes one Vogue feature, three walkouts, and a permanent ban from a Pantone mixer. She joined The Mocking Post to dismantle the aesthetics-industrial complex one overpriced capsule wardrobe at a time. Her essays drip with elegance and veiled violence…and to let her brother know, Lux Wilde, that she is better and prettier than he. She thinks Lux is what happens when a Tumblr feed gets tenure.

She feuds politely with Dr. Sabrina Doctrine, citing “vibe incompatibility.” Her creative soulmate is Chaz Blamington while drinking red wine. On weekends, she visits museums and critiques the lighting. Aria prefers French wine, chilled to a passive-aggressive degree. Her favorite food is fig jam on gluten-free crackers, which she eats to feel emotionally mysterious.

She loves and thanks The Mocking Post for its tasteful disdain and brutal editing standards. She wants her mom to work for TMP but her mom prefers to reading articles for education, not working on it. No way she would work with her two kids 15 hours a day.