I Won the Lottery: 6 Things I did wrong

The morning Barry Windfall won the lottery, he was eating a gas station sandwich and fantasizing about buying name-brand mustard. Seventy-eight million dollars later, he had upgraded to Dijon—but also accidentally proposed to two people, alienated his family, and hired a financial advisor off Instagram who mostly posts shirtless affirmations. Here is his story:

For those considering winning the lottery, I offer this as a cautionary roadmap.

Step 1: Tell Absolutely Everyone Immediately
Despite every expert advising winners to “stay quiet,” I posted a Boomer-style Facebook status that read: “WON’T SAY WHAT HAPPENED, BUT LET’S JUST SAY I’M NEVER CLIPPING COUPONS AGAIN!”

Within hours, I had 387 friend requests, 16 vague death threats, and a voicemail from a former manager claiming I owed him “emotional restitution.”

Step 2: Quit Job Dramatically
My resignation email was written in Comic Sans and ended with, “I’m rich, you’re boring, goodbye.” I attached a selfie of me holding the winning ticket, flipping off the office plant.

Turns out, that ticket was legally unclaimed at the time and now circulates as a cautionary slide in HR trainings.

Step 3: Assume You Know Finance Now
I invested $40,000 into a crypto startup because the founder said, “This isn’t just Bitcoin—it’s mindcoin.” I don’t know what that means, and now neither does the IRS.

I also bought an NFT of a flaming raccoon in a tuxedo. It has since been valued at “art-adjacent garbage.”

Step 4: Generosity Spiral
I Venmoed my ex “for closure,” tipped a Starbucks barista $1,000 hoping to trend on TikTok (no one filmed), and offered to pay for a stranger’s divorce because “he looked trapped.”

The man was an actor. The divorce was part of a role. He took the money anyway.

Step 5: Buy Property Sight Unseen
I purchased a mansion via drone tour, unaware it was listed in Celsius. I now own 12,000 square feet of frozen Canadian despair.

The roof leaks, the guest house has rodents, and the neighbors keep asking if I’m “the influencer with the bad boots.”

Step 6: Attempt to Disappear
After everything, I tried to vanish. But I had already changed my email to richAF77@[…].com and linked it to all my utility bills.

People still find me. Mostly to pitch pyramid schemes, or congratulate me on my “bold choices.”

Final Thoughts
If you win the lottery, take a deep breath. Hire a lawyer. Change your name. Delete social media. Say nothing to anyone—not even your dog. Especially not your dog. My dog suddenly learned how to speak when I didn’t upgrade his treats. He now expects filet mignon and growls when I wear Skechers.

I may be rich, but I’ll never be regular again.