Man Quietly Wins Lottery, Suddenly Becomes “Soulmate” of 43 Women From High School

When 32-year-old Mark Ellison won $74 million in a quietly claimed state lottery, he planned to live exactly the same way he always had: in a modest rental house, driving a paid-off 2011 Camry, and avoiding everyone from his hometown.

But fate had other plans—and by “fate,” we mean people who haven’t spoken to Mark since the Obama administration suddenly remembering that they “always felt a deep connection.”

Within days of the anonymous win (which Mark insists he never told a soul about), he was mysteriously added to 11 group chats titled variations of “Hey Stranger !.

“I thought I was being scammed at first,” Mark told The Mocking Post. “But then I saw the names: Jessica from Honors Chemistry, Bethany who made fun of my handwriting, and—this was the weirdest—my eighth-grade math teacher, who opened with ‘Hey big stranger, remember me?’”

According to experts in behavioral parasitology, people can smell wealth the way sharks smell blood—especially if it’s accompanied by Instagram posts of “new beginnings,” “manifesting abundance,” or unusually crisp sweatpants.

“I only posted one photo of me holding a glass of wine on a balcony,” Mark explained. “But I think the balcony gave it away. It had two chairs.”

One week later, Mark was booked on six coffee dates, two spiritual alignment consultations, and an unsolicited FaceTime from his college RA “just checking in.”

Psychologists are calling the phenomenon Gold Digger ESP—the uncanny ability to detect a financial shift in someone you ghosted in 2014.

“Something just told me to reach out,” said Vanessa, a former classmate who once told Mark he gave off “broke Harry Potter vibes.” She now believes the two have “unfinished karma” and that “money is energy.”

“Not his money,” she clarified. “Our money. Like, soul-connected.”

Mark is currently vetting romantic prospects by inviting them to dinner at his usual Taco Bell. “If they flinch at a Crunchwrap Supreme, they’re out,” he said.

So far, 38 women have responded with “Wait, is this a test?” and one reportedly brought her financial planner to the date.

When asked what he plans to do with the winnings, Mark said he’s considering starting a nonprofit that helps men disappear after coming into money.

“I just want to go back to being mildly undesirable,” he sighed.

Until then, he’s keeping his circle tight—just him, his accountant, and his suddenly affectionate cat, who’s also been bringing him “gifts” suspiciously resembling diamond earrings.