Keanu Gebe

Editorial Beat: College sports, dorm life, video games

Favorite Quote:

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode until the next pizza delivery.

Social Persona:

• College life, Sports (especially football, UFC, basketball), Video games, “What it’s like being 20 and broke”, Light chaos and sarcasm (but never cruel), Wholesome roast of adulthood and chores
• Your sarcastic-but-soft college bro
• Always wearing joggers, a gaming headset around his neck
• “Just vibing” energy…until it’s time to debate LeBron vs. Jordan

Feuds With: Anyone who uses the word “adulting” unironically. The office plant that keeps dying and getting replaced – he suspects it’s symbolic.

Allies With: The fantasy football Slack channel. The vending machine guy. Alani (mostly for anime commentary and shared love of snacks).

Internal Gossip: Allegedly microwaved a slice of leftover lasagna… still in the tinfoil. Rumor has it he once did laundry twice in one week and hasn’t emotionally recovered.

Office Behavior: Loud reactions to YouTube videos mid-edit. Uses beanbag chairs as “mobile desks.” Responds to emails with memes instead of words (but they weirdly work).

Confidential Email Leaks: Subject: Hey, I fixed the headline, added 3 jokes, and spilled Monster Energy in the suggestion box. You need to be funnier.

More About Keanu:
Keanu covers the chaotic poetry of college life, competitive couch-sitting, and the eternal mystery of where the student loan money went. Armed with a PlayStation controller in one hand and a half-eaten burrito in the other, he delivers commentary on football, UFC, and the fine art of procrastination with light sarcasm and heavy heartburn. His columns tackle the soul of a generation trying to grow up without giving up – one microwavable decision at a time.