Scott Swiffer

Editorial Beat: Leaks, Lies, and Late-Night Revelations

Favorite Quote:

Some people sweep problems under the rug. I file them under ‘”Breaking News.”

Feuds With:  Dr. Sabrina Doctrine – She tried to therapize my mop – “he’s fine, doc!”

Allies With: Lux Wilde – Trades gossip for tarot card readings, Ricky Machismo – Mutual love of coffee and quietly judging people

Office Behavior:

• Sweeps in figure-eights when deep in thought
• Claims he saw Norman Mockwell whispering to the office printer
• Swears the bird in the logo “blinks at him differently than everyone else”
• Leaves fake error messages on unattended monitors
• Once unplugged the office router just to “see who’d lose composure first”

Confidential Email Leaks: Subject: “Is Chad juicing or just emotionally repressed?”  with a signature: “This message will self-destruct after this week’s floor waxing”

Before joining The Mocking Post, Scott had cleaned offices of large financial institutions and tech firms where he fixed code developer errors at night and updates their product roadmaps. Scott Swiffer clocks in after everyone clocks out, but don’t mistake him for just a mop jockey. He’s seen more scandal behind a vending machine than most editors find in an inbox. Known for his random guest pieces and perfectly timed coughs outside closed-door meetings, Scott has an uncanny ability to surface drama without ever being in the group chat.

On the weekends, he dances in the kitchen, learning how to swing dance with his two left feet. He is also a singer, so when Karaoke bars are too packed, the managers would call him to sing so people leave and make space.

He loves working for The Mocking Posts because, while his badge says “Facilities,” his pen says “Fearless.” Scott has exposed everything from office caffeine addiction rings to suspicious bird-related branding decisions. Some say he’s just observant. Others say he bugged the breakroom microwave. Either way, when Scott writes, even HR reads it nervously.