The Guest List
They met in rooms with velvet walls,
Where money hummed and memory stalls.
A whisper here, a nod, a toast—
Each smile a secret held the most.
“You’re Welcome, America” — Trump Interviewed About Unreleased Epstein List
Trump calls for transparency, flirts with Kara, and accidentally invents a new legal doctrine: “Guilt is subjective if you squint.”
Ear-raser: Secret Service Confirms Trump Has Erasable Ear Damage
Experts now referring to the incident as an “Ear-aser” — the wound is gone, like a dry erase board wiped clean with national delusion.
Assassination Attempt on Trump Immediately Met With Surge in Conspiracies, Wi-Fi Diagnoses
Within minutes of the shooting, internet users had already blamed the FBI, the Clintons, five unrelated TikTokers, and one retired librarian from Michigan.
Trump Asks Why His Name Is on Epstein List He Claims Doesn’t Exist
After denying the legitimacy of the list, Trump demanded to know who added him, when, and whether it was “in Sharpie or deep state font.”
Trump Vows to End Birthright Citizenship, Says Only Real Americans Are Born at Golf Resorts
The president announced that future citizenship will depend on “location, bloodline, and whether the infant respects real estate branding.”
Trump Claims He Was President of United States “In a Spiritual Sense” Since 2016
At a recent rally, the former president clarified that while he may not be president “on paper,” he remains president “in essence, in energy, and maybe even in several parallel timelines.”