Trump Asks Why His Name Is on Epstein List He Claims Doesn’t Exist
Norman Mockwell
Founding Mockitor
Editor-at-Large
Speaking from a golf course patio in New Jersey, former President Donald Trump addressed swirling rumors that his name appears on a newly unsealed Jeffrey Epstein client list — a list he simultaneously denied existed and demanded be corrected.
“There is no list,” Trump told reporters. “Fake list. Never heard of it. But if there is one, and my name’s on it, someone has a lot of explaining to do. Probably Obama.”
Trump’s comment came after a flurry of speculation online, where users shared screenshots of alleged court documents, many of which featured names, typos, and watermark logos from various meme pages.
“I was never there,” Trump said, referencing Epstein’s island. “Maybe once. Maybe twice. But never spiritually.”
Norman reports:
“This isn’t about innocence or guilt anymore. It’s about managing your alignment with whatever the internet decides is canon for that day.”
Trump also floated several theories as to how his name ended up on the list:
- A mix-up with another Donald
- A “psychic infiltration” by MSNBC
- Possibly revenge for his comments about wind turbines
Meanwhile, legal experts say the document in question isn’t even technically a client list — it’s part of a larger cache of redacted case files that includes flight logs, correspondence, and at least one napkin with doodles labeled “power grid.”
Asked whether he would pursue legal action, Trump replied, “I could. I have the best lawyers. The strongest. But I might just let the people decide in the court of vibes.”
Back in D.C., lawmakers from both parties issued vague statements condemning Epstein’s crimes while gently walking backward into the hedge.
