Man Earns Black Belt Online in 6 Weeks — Immediately Opens Dojo in Strip Mall
Max Volumo
Mockitor of Rage & Chaos
Opinion Columnist, Social Dynamics
TULSA, OK — IN AN ERA WHERE YOU CAN GET ORDAINED TO MARRY STRANGERS ONLINE, IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOU COULD ALSO EARN A BLACK BELT WITHOUT EVER LEAVING YOUR COUCH.
Meet Bryan “Master Bry” Linderman, age 29, recent graduate of Global Tactical Do Academy, an online martial arts program based out of a trailer in Clearwater, Florida. After six weeks of nightly Zoom tests and three high-stakes quizzes using Google Forms, Bryan now holds a 1st dan black belt in what he describes as a “hybridized street form of traditional warrior tactics.”
THE CURRICULUM
According to the academy’s website (which still has visible Squarespace placeholder text), the belt system includes:
- White: Basic breathing and brand building
- Yellow: Instagram kata
- Green: Inner warrior alignment via podcast listening
- Brown: Weekly sparring with mirror
- Black: 500-word essay on “What Martial Means to Me”
The final test? Submitting a video of yourself winning an imaginary fight. Bryan’s included sound effects.
THE DOJO OPENS
Just 48 hours after receiving his PDF certificate, Bryan opened “Dojo Xtreme”, located between a vape shop and a failed froyo chain. The grand opening was live-streamed to 112 viewers, most of whom were his other instructors.
“People don’t understand,” Bryan tells TMP. “This isn’t about tradition. This is about convenience, confidence, and passive income.”
CRITIC RESPONSE
Real martial arts instructors are less enthusiastic.
“We’ve got kids training 8 years for a black belt. This guy got his while binge-watching Narcos,” said Master Kim Sung-Jae, a 7th dan in actual Taekwondo.
Others are more blunt:
“This is a Ponzi scheme with high kicks,” said retired MMA fighter Terrance ‘Rib Cage’ Polk.
THE BUSINESS MODEL
Dojo Xtreme already offers:
- Belt tests ($79, PayPal only)
- Online seminars titled “How to Monetize Your Inner Fighter”
- An affiliate program: “Refer two students and level up to Sensei Prime.”
Parents have unknowingly enrolled their kids into 12-month auto-renewing contracts with cancellation fees “based on belt color.”
MAX’S ANALYSIS
Look, I’m not against modern martial arts. I once watched a nun disarm a mugger using only breath control and a Honda Civic door.
But if you can achieve black belt status with no sparring, no sweat, and no floor burns, you’re not a warrior — you’re a customer.
Is It Real?
Yes — kind of terrifyingly real.
Online belt mills, sketchy martial arts franchises, and “self-defense” gurus with no verifiable lineage are everywhere. They’re on TikTok. They’re on Etsy. One offered me a 2nd dan for writing this article.
