We Asked 5 Life Coaches for Advice. They Asked Us for Venmo.

Seeking purpose in a world that runs on confusion, we decided to interview five certified life coaches. Our goal was simple: learn how to live better, laugh more, and possibly stop crying in Target parking lots.

What we found was a new kind of enlightenment—one that costs $199 per hour and includes a downloadable PDF that still says “Insert Logo Here.”

Coach #1: Blake
Blake describes himself as a “clarity alchemist.” When asked what that means, he said, “It’s not about meaning, it’s about vibration.” He then invited us to a three-week course called The Mirror Has No Frame, which he said “will blow open your heart-space and monetize your childhood.”

Before we could ask about scholarships, he texted us his Venmo and a voice note of himself chanting “worthiness” into a bowl.

Coach #2: Willow
Willow’s pitch was refreshingly specific: “I help women escape the lies of patriarchy using breathwork, chakra cleansing, and limited-time discount codes.” Her advice? “You are the medicine. Also, your blockage is ancestral. Probably from your great-grandmother’s lack of gluten.”

She charged $75 for this session and said we could upgrade to the “Gold Awakening Package” if we wanted our chakras “done remotely.”

Coach #3: Chase
Chase used to work in digital marketing and now works in… digital marketing, but for emotions. His model is subscription-based. “Think of me as Netflix for your limiting beliefs,” he said. “I release new breakthroughs every month.”

When asked if he was licensed, he said, “I’m verified. Same thing.”

His session included a worksheet titled Crush Your Inner Child Before It Cries Again.

Coach #4: Ember
Ember prefers voice notes to actual sessions. Her guidance came through at 3 a.m. and consisted of her softly whispering, “You already know” eight times.

She then sent a PayPal request titled energetic exchange – no refunds.

Coach #5: Coach Greg
Greg is the most traditional. He told us to wake up earlier, stop complaining, and “just do the thing.” When we asked what the thing was, he said that if we didn’t already know, we weren’t ready.

He later emailed us a JPEG of a lion with the caption “Discipline > Depression” and a link to his gym’s merch site.

In conclusion, the path to self-discovery is paved with buzzwords, scented candles, and subtle payment requests. As one coach told us after charging $300 for a “block-clearing bundle”: “Healing isn’t linear—but my fees are.”