Ear-raser: Secret Service Confirms Trump Has Erasable Ear Damage
Patty Plotz
Mockitor of Fringe Logic
Columnist, Alternative Thinking
At 4:11 p.m. on July 13, 2024, Donald J. Trump was reportedly “grazed by a high-velocity projectile” during a campaign event in Pennsylvania. But by 6:02 p.m., he had tweeted a photo of his own ear with the caption:
“LOOKS PERFECT. BETTER THAN OBAMA’S.”
The photo, now dissected by every news outlet, podcast, and unmedicated YouTube astrologer, appears to show zero signs of damage, redness, or even mild wind exposure.
“This is classic Deep State cosmetics,” said an anonymous Q-flavored blogger. “Either he was never shot, or the man heals like a lizard in a tanning bed.” Others claim that the immediate use of the Tampon on his ears, as his followers did, helped heal quickly.
Despite eyewitnesses confirming the gunshot and chaos, Trump later told Newsmax,
“I didn’t bleed. Real presidents don’t bleed. If anything, the bullet apologized.”
The right-wing internet dubbed it “The Ear-aser” — the idea that Trump’s body has the power to erase damage faster than the mainstream media can report it.
“It’s like a dry erase board,” said one supporter. “You draw fear, wipe it off, and boom — freedom.”
Skeptics claim the “restored ear” may belong to a body double, with close-up analysis suggesting his left ear’s shape has “subtly shifted to a more youthful contour, possibly 2017-era Trump.”
White House physicians declined to comment, citing patient privacy laws and “existential fatigue.” However, former physician Ronny Jackson posted an Instagram Reel showing an MRI scan labeled “PRESIDENTIAL CARTILAGE: UNBREAKABLE.”
On Capitol Hill, responses were split.
Senator Josh Hawley tweeted:
“His ear is intact. His legacy even more so. This is Biblical.”
Meanwhile, Democrats requested the footage from five angles and a forensic dermatologist, prompting Fox News to run a chyron reading: “EAR TRUTHERS TRY TO CANCEL BULLET.”
By Thursday, new merch appeared on Truth Social:
- T-shirts reading “ASSASSINATED BUT HOT”
- Stickers saying “Ear-ased But Not Erased”
- And limited-edition gold coins featuring a bullet bouncing off Trump’s ear into a bald eagle
Trump has since declared victory over the laws of physics, time, and human anatomy.
“This was worse than JFK,” he told Kara Conforman in a follow-up interview.
“But I made it beautiful. Like a miracle that’s rich and tanned.”
Editor’s Note:
The Mocking Post’s request to inspect the actual ear has been denied. #earaser #ear-aser spread like wildfire on social media.
