Harris Declines California Race, Brags “I Told You So” on Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris has formally announced she will not run for Governor of California in 2026, citing her focus on national leadership and a “longer game” that suspiciously resembles a 2028 presidential campaign.

“California is in capable hands,” Harris said during a press briefing Tuesday. “And besides, I already did the wildfire-climate-crisis-recall-chaos circuit. I’m not repeating electives I’ve already passed.”

For now, Harris says she’ll focus on “continuing the work,” which appears to include giving America just enough time to ask themselves, “What the fuck did we do?”. Some MAGAs already regret their decision and don’t appreciate being called “weaklings” by Trump for wanting pedophiles prosecuted.

Though she stopped short of officially declaring a presidential run, the move is widely interpreted as her clearest signal yet that she’s preparing for a 2028 rematch with the timeline, reality, and likely a familiar set of bad decisions.

Asked if the chaos of recent years had shaped her decision, Harris responded bluntly: “Look, I told you this would happen. I said it in 2016, 2017, 2018, 2020, and every year since. But y’all wanted to flirt with collapse.”

California politicos had floated Harris as a dream candidate, a native daughter with national clout and a résumé tailor-made for executive leadership. But sources close to Harris say she viewed the idea of “returning home” more like babysitting your old roommates. One CA TikTok astrologer insists the state needs to be “rebalanced.”

“She’s done being the crisis janitor for other people’s emergencies,” said a former aide. “The California governor’s office is mostly vibes, evacuations, and breaking up billionaire arguments over water rights.”

In declining the race, Harris has also begun subtly drawing contrasts with Democrats who sat idle during the Trump administration.

“She’s not just saying ‘I told you so,’ she’s pointing out who didn’t listen,” said political analyst Marsha Kilgrove. “She wants 2028 to be about experience, foresight, and the receipts.”

According to The Washington Post and CBS News, Harris has begun meeting privately with major Democratic donors and policy advisors. Her team insists it’s just “exploratory,” though insiders note the last time she used that term, a Senate seat mysteriously appeared in her driveway.

“Let me know when you’re done playing with fire,” she said. “I’ll bring the extinguisher, again.”