Man Optimizes Sleep So Aggressively He Forgets to Enjoy Being Awake
Derek Brutal
Mockitor of Raw Truths
Investigative Features Editor
Eli Stone used to just go to bed. Now, it’s a 90-minute pre-sleep protocol involving low-glycemic dinner, blue light blockers, red lamp exposure, magnesium glycinate, binaural beats, and a prayer to Andrew Huberman.
He hasn’t felt tired in two years — only “behind on recalibration.”
“Sleep is critical,” Eli says, tapping his Oura ring. “If you’re not measuring it, you’re not managing it.” Asked if he enjoys his day more after an 86% sleep efficiency score, he stares blankly. “That’s not the point.”
His girlfriend left last fall. She cited “a mattress that felt like a data center” and the moment he asked her to stop breathing heavily during his HRV window.
Derek Angstrom comments: “This is a man who has conquered the night, but not himself.”
Friends say Eli is “glassy-eyed but extremely regulated.” He no longer dreams. He hasn’t overslept since 2019. He’s currently experimenting with weighted blankets and monk mode, but insists it’s not extreme.
“He’s stable,” one friend offered. “Like, emotionally muted in a sterile kind of way. I wouldn’t say happy. But yeah. Very well-rested.”
Eli plans to optimize joy next quarter.
