Man’s Political Opinions Now 94% Cuss Words, 6% Fox News Adjectives
Max Volumo
Mockitor of Rage & Chaos
Opinion Columnist, Social Dynamics
RATWELL, FL — Local man Chuck Durbin’s political commentary has officially transitioned to a new dialect known as Rage-Patois, consisting entirely of F-bombs, slurs, and a rotating carousel of words he heard Tucker Carlson whisper once in 2019.
Neighbors say Chuck’s morning routine now includes yelling “globalist fuckery” at a lawnmower and calling birds “deep state drones.”
“He told me taxes are just ‘legalized dick theft,’” said one concerned coworker.
Chuck claims he’s “done being silenced” — despite having never been asked to stop talking, ever, by anyone, in any setting, for any reason.
According to linguists, Chuck’s vocabulary includes:
- 58% variants of “bullshit”
- 31% words that would get bleeped in a Quentin Tarantino movie
- 11% phrases like “you sheeple wouldn’t get it”
Sources close to the situation (his ex-wife and run-away kids) confirm Chuck hasn’t read a full article since MySpace died, but “can definitely sense when the libs are up to something.” “Facts are bullshit! It’s all made up by the truths! It’s all about feelings and I’m feeling invincible!”, says Chuck while pounding his chest.
At press time, Chuck was seen recording a 7-minute truck rant about how the Constitution guarantees him a right to scream at pharmacists, which it does not, legally or grammatically.
Sources later confirmed that Chuck Durbin is, in fact, a sitting state representative. He’s up for reelection this fall and currently polling 3 points ahead. WTF?
