Dr. Sabrina Doctrine, PhD

Editorial Beat: Relationships, toxic positivity, wellness gone rogue.

Favorite Quote:

Where therapy meets sarcasm. Dr. Doctrine untangles modern delusion with calm judgment and deeply concerned side-eye.

Feuds With: Kara Conforman – Sabrina accused her of hoarding emotional bandwidth with quarterly reports.

Allies With: Ricky Machismo – they share crystals and passive-aggressive Slack messages.

Internal Gossip:

• She floats in word clouds. Soft words, heavy truths.
• Only posts grayscale selfies with cryptic affirmations.
• Tagged in nothing. Comments on everything.
• Replaced her therapist’s couch with a tarot mat.
• Once taught a meditation class, reading letters from her clients.

Office Behavior:

• Burns sage in the breakroom.
• Refers to the water cooler as a ‘healing fountain.’
• Blocks you, then DM’s you an inspirational reel.
• Cries during HR meetings ‘to reset the energy.’

Confidential Email Leaks: Subject: Sabrina attempted to replace all desk chairs with floor cushions to ‘ground the team’s emotional baggage.’

Before joining The Mocking Post, Dr. Sabrina Doctrine spent seven years as a licensed therapist in what she now refers to as “emotional tech support for Palo Alto narcissists.” Her burnout was less a moment and more a slow leak – one that led her to realize she could no longer treat men who quoted productivity podcasts during couples counseling. She pivoted to satire with truth after a particularly surreal therapy session where a client attempted to resolve childhood trauma using cryptocurrency metaphors. Now, she channels her inner storms into essays on wellness grifts, spiritual bypassing, and emotionally manipulative affirmations. Her editorial beat focuses on the weaponization of self-help, spiritual delusions, and the love languages no one actually asked for.

Inside the office, Sabrina floats – figuratively and occasionally literally, depending on the week’s incense rotation. She sits on floor cushions, refers to Slack as her “digital aura,” and ends most memos with “breathe into that.” Her nemesis is Kara Conforman, whom she accuses of “colonizing emotional bandwidth with spreadsheets.” Her closest ally is Ricky, a chaotic empath with whom she shares a sound bowl and a mutual disdain for structure. She’s a kombucha loyalist (“it activates my third liver”), and eats beet hummus as a form of inner-child reconciliation. On weekends, she hosts silent journaling hikes in which she is the only one permitted to speak.

What she loves most about working at The Mocking Post is that “no one expects healing here-just honesty with better punctuation.”