Lance Outrage

Editorial Beat: Cancel culture, think pieces, rage trends.

Favorite Quote:

I’m not angry or wrong. I’m loudly orgazined.

Feuds With: “Everyone” – but mostly Florence Factson for ‘prioritizing facts over vibes.’

Allies With: Derek Brutal – their joint op-eds end friendships.

Internal Gossip:

• Loves to quote “Unpopular opinion…”
• Records vertical rants in parked cars.
• Changes bios weekly. None accurate.
• Tried to unionize the satire section.

Office Behavior:

• Brings his own whiteboard. Uses it as a threat.
• Writes like a tweetstorm on fire.
• Thinks nuance is a government plot.

Confidential Email Leaks: Subject: Lance submitted 14 pitches titled “Why You’re the Problem.”

Lance Outrage entered journalism through a viral rant and never stopped yelling. All his life, people think his last name is made up. It’s not, but he makes sure he lives up to it. His op-eds read like arguments you didn’t mean to click on but suddenly care about. He believes nuance is a distraction.

He clashes often with Florence Factson, who he claims “fact-checks feelings.” Lance drinks spicy bourbon and eats raw opinions.

He loves The Mocking Post because it lets him post like it’s always the last day of the internet.