Modern Dating Standards: Six Feet, Six Figures, Zero Personality

NEW YORK — A recent cultural update confirmed that single women have refined the bare minimum requirements for dating: six feet tall, six-figure income, and absolutely nothing else.

“It’s not that we’re shallow,” explained a 27-year-old TikTok coach with four kids and a forehead tattoo that reads ‘Manifest.’ “It’s just that men need to bring something to the table, while I’ll bring my table, four chairs, and my baby daddy drama.”

The new list of demands also includes emotional intelligence, but only when it applies to knowing which side of her Instagram selfie is her ‘good side.’

Sociologists warn that this escalating criteria arms race could leave society with only twelve dateable men nationwide, all currently living in Miami with podcasts.

Meanwhile, men responded with their own updated standards: “Alive, not wanting my credit card, and respectable.”

Experts predict that by 2030, dating will be replaced entirely by delusion, filters, and couples therapy through social media comments.