Trump Demands Coldplay Perform at Rally to Repay “Stolen Attention”

ORLANDO, FL — In a new escalation following his lawsuit over “unauthorized spotlight hijacking,” Donald J. Trump is now demanding that Coldplay perform live at one of his upcoming rallies as “reparations for the emotional theft” caused by their recent concert coverage.

“They stole attention,” Trump said from a rally prep event in Florida. “Big attention. Very big. It was mine, and they took it. Now they can give it back—with a show. For the people.”

Trump suggested the band perform Viva La Vida but with altered lyrics that reference his poll numbers, trade policies, and “how everyone misses 2019.” He also requested the band dress in “formal American colors—red ties preferred, maybe some gold.” The proposed setlist includes Fix You, though Trump clarified he “doesn’t need fixing, but America does.”

The demand was made via a three-page cease-and-serenade letter sent to Coldplay’s management, stating that “failure to cooperate may be interpreted as a continued campaign of attention obstruction.”

Asked whether the band had any political alignment with Trump, the campaign waved off concerns.

“They’re just here to make it right,” one aide said. “It’s not about policy. It’s about presence.”

Sources close to the campaign said stage sketches had already been drafted. Concepts include:

• Trump dramatically walking out during Yellow
• An on-screen montage of 2016 election highlights synced to Clocks
• A custom remix of Paradise featuring soundbites from Sean Hannity

So far, Coldplay has not responded publicly. However, a tweet from the band’s official account simply read: “No.”

Trump was allegedly rewriting portions of The Scientist to serve as a closing anthem, including the line: “Nobody said it was easy—except me, I said it constantly.”