University Adds ‘Emotional Support Friend’ Program to Replace Therapy

In a sweeping policy update that administrators are calling “revolutionary” and students are calling “Wait, is this legal?”, West East Central University has unveiled its new Emotional Support Friend (ESF) Program — a peer-based initiative meant to “foster resilience, reduce liability, and avoid the costs of actual therapy.”

Each freshman is now automatically assigned a fellow undergrad who’s “nice-ish,” “free on Thursdays,” and “has at least once said, ‘I’m a good listener.’”

“It’s all about human connection,” said Dean of Student Efficiency, Loretta Click. “Plus, if it helps even one student feel better — or at least feel distracted from wanting help — we consider that a win.”

The move comes after student complaints about overwhelmed counseling centers, absentee RAs, and university chatbot replies like “Sorry you feel that way.”

One student, Jamie, shared their experience:
“My ESF showed up 45 minutes late, asked if I’d ever tried crystals, and then played me Phoebe Bridgers until I cried. It was… actually effective?”

The university has issued a waiver stating that ESFs are “not responsible for outcomes, advice, ghosting, or emotional damage incurred during finals.”

Next semester, the program will expand with add-ons:

• Premium Friend Tier: includes eye contact and rides to Trader Joe’s.
• Ghost Mode: an ESF who disappears, forcing students to work on attachment issues.

At press time, the counseling center was using the program too — citing their own emotional fatigue.