Woman Tries to Eat Clean, Accidentally Invents New Form of Orthorexia

It started with oat milk. Then gluten. Then seed oils. Then “inflammatory lectins.” Now Sarah can’t look at a tomato without a mild sense of dread.

“I just wanted to feel more energized,” she said. “But somehow I’ve eliminated everything except air and ethically-sourced beef tallow.”

She’s not on a diet. She’s on a journey — one paved entirely by Instagram reels, conflicting wellness influencers, and grocery aisles filled with judgment. What began as intuitive eating is now a Kafkaesque label-reading ritual that ends in tears, spirulina, and a $14 algae bar.

“She’s in too deep,” said one friend. “She’s scared of blueberries.”

Kara Conforman explains: “We used to count calories. Now we count emulsifiers. The illusion of control has shifted — but the anxiety has stayed.”

Sarah is not trying to be difficult. She’s trying to be pure. But every food choice now feels like a referendum on her moral integrity and gut biome. She recently brought her own tahini to brunch. It was glass jar only.

Her last date ended abruptly when she asked if his olive oil was cold-pressed and he said, “It’s Costco.”

She’s currently considering a seven-day raw reset to “undo” her recent slip — a roasted chickpea incident. In the meantime, she drinks celery juice and hopes it balances her personality.