Supreme Court Rules 5-4 That Public Still Doesn’t Understand How Supreme Court Works

In a late-breaking opinion published Thursday, the Supreme Court narrowly ruled that the public still has no idea what the Supreme Court actually does.

The decision, described as “deeply divided but weirdly self-aware,” confirmed that despite decades of rulings, televised confirmation hearings, and entire seasons of The West Wing, most Americans couldn’t explain the Court’s purpose in under thirty seconds without panicking.

In the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote:

“We’ve been wearing the same robes for 200 years and somehow that’s made people think we’re either priests, wizards, or especially boring judges on The Masked Singer.”

Terry comments, as only he can:

“In fairness, when the most powerful legal body in the nation delivers decisions via PDF and occasionally by vibes, confusion is inevitable.”

According to a new Pew study, 42% of respondents believe the Supreme Court is part of Congress, while another 17% described it as “more of a vibe check than a law thing” and the remaining feel they serve those who fly them on expensive vacations.

The Court’s internal debate reportedly centered around whether it should do anything about this perception — or simply lean in.

Justice Alito allegedly proposed offering merch.
Justice Kagan suggested a public explainer series, then sighed and said, “Never mind, they’ll just yell at us anyway.”
Justice Thomas, per tradition, did not comment. His wife does all the talking.

In a closing footnote, the Court advised citizens to “Please stop tagging us in memes about gavel sizes. That’s not how this works.”