Wellness Gurus Say Sleep Is Free, Forgetting Rent Costs $2,000 a Month
Connor Descend
Mockitor of Smug Advice
Advice Columnist
Sleep is free, say wellness gurus. For everyone else, rent costs $2,000 and uninterrupted rest feels like another luxury no one can afford.
Sleep has been rebranded as the hottest wellness trend, the one luxury no one can buy. Wellness influencers and lifestyle gurus remind us daily: “Sleep is free, everyone just needs more of it.”
The advice sounds noble, until you realize it’s usually coming from someone who lives in a minimalist loft paid for by sponsorship deals and inherited equity. For the rest of America, sleep might be free, but uninterrupted sleep comes with a monthly subscription fee called rent.
Experts warn that a lack of sleep leads to weight gain, poor focus, and depression. Missing from their studies is how late-night side hustles, 2 a.m. DoorDash deliveries, and neighbors vacuuming at midnight play into the cycle.
Meanwhile, mattress companies continue to sponsor podcasts with promises of “better rest,” a sales pitch that overlooks the fact that people aren’t losing sleep because of bad coils. They’re losing it because the math between paychecks and rent checks doesn’t balance.
Cultural critics argue that turning sleep into a lifestyle movement is the most American trend of all: monetizing what people once got for free. First it was water, then privacy, now rest.
Until housing costs drop, the average adult’s eight hours will continue to be a patchwork of naps, caffeine, and prayers that rent control applies to REM cycles.
When asked for comment, sleep declined, saying it was busy hiding from credit card statements.
