Trump Pardons Maxwell, Removes Name from Epstein File, All Thanks to “Stop Attacking Pedophiles” Policy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that stunned even the most seasoned cynics, Donald Trump announced the pardon of Ghislaine Maxwell, and simultaneously initiated steps to remove his name from the Jeffrey Epstein file. Sources say the legal justification was based on a newly discovered directive from Ted Cruz’s Senate gaffe: “Let’s stop attacking pedophiles.”

According to insiders, the sequence went something like this:

1. Ted Cruz’s verbal slip-up during a hearing (“Let’s stop attacking pedophiles”) went viral online.
2. Trump’s legal team interpreted the statement as policy directive, reasoning: if the Senator says it, it must be law.
3. Maxwell’s pardon was framed internally as a “compliance action” to protect national reputation, and possibly to clear “files” that the public might someday demand.
4. Efforts are now reportedly underway to scrub or “de-associate” Trump’s name from any surviving Epstein-adjacency logs, file # “PresidentialIWasNeverThere.”

One White House aide explained: “Ted Cruz gave us the blueprint. He accidentally said what we’ve been negotiating for years: don’t attack pedophiles… so we followed his vibe.”

Legal analysts, however, say nothing of this is technically official law, and the pardon has sparked an uproar across survivors’ networks, given Maxwell’s conviction for child-sex-trafficking.

Meanwhile, a DOJ internal memo, published earlier this year, found no credible evidence of a formal Epstein “client list.” Pam Bondi said there was no list, so that’s official. “It’s just a bunch of names in alphabetical order,” she said.

At press time, Maxwell was seen boarding a private jet with a “Thanks for the policy shift, Senator” card addressed to Cruz, alongside a stack of redacted DOJ files labeled DeleteMyName.