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Dating Resolutions for 2026 Made by People Who Will Ignore Them by February
Singles announce bold dating resolutions for 2026, fully aware they will ignore most of them once chemistry, vibes, and red…
I’m Not Emotionally Unavailable, I’m Just Pacing Myself Like a Limited Series
I feel things. I just prefer to release them in eight episodes, one week at a time, with a two-year…
Politicians Celebrate Christmas by Cutting Food Programs the Next Morning
Politicians praise generosity on Christmas Day, then move to cut food assistance programs the next morning, proving empathy has a…
Woman Redesigns Apartment to Match Life She Isn’t Living Yet
It’s minimal, elegant, and emotionally unavailable. Much like the version of herself she hopes to become once she starts waking…
Americans Demand ‘Keep Christ in Christmas,’ Ignore Everything Christ Actually Said
Americans demand Christ stay in Christmas, while supporting policies that cut food, healthcare, and aid Jesus explicitly taught people to…
Powerball at $1.6B: For A Night, Everyone Has a Financial Plan
On Powerball night, Americans suddenly have detailed financial plans, revealing less about greed and more about how desperate people are…
FIFA Presents Trump With Peace Award, Unsure What Sport Peace Plays
Somewhere between a goalpost and a grift. In a move that confused diplomats, historians, and anyone familiar with basic job…
Woman Proudly Says She’s on a Budget and Still Orders Drinks Like a Wizard
She brought coupons to lunch and wore a thrifted blazer. But at the bar, she summoned a $19 potion that…
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