Millions Celebrate Crackdown on “Antifa,” Still Unsure Whether It’s a Band, a Virus, or a Salad Ingredient
Trump’s move to label Antifa a terrorist group has supporters celebrating the end of something they still can’t define, identify, or spell.
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Trump Deploys Guards to D.C. and Chicago While Red States Get Free Disney Tickets
When the cities he targets aren’t even in the worst states for violence, it’s hard to spin this as a crime-fighting mission.
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Men Against Trans Rights Confirmed to Be Expecting, Due Any Minute
The loudest men against trans rights look like they’re nursing twins, expecting triplets, and auditioning to breastfeed the hypocrisy right out of themselves.
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Gavin Newsom Awarded Nobel Peace Prize, Trump Calls It “Rigged Like a Leaf Blower”
Gavin Newsom wins the Nobel Peace Prize for political calm and climate leadership, while Trump insists he was “robbed by Norway” and demands a recount.
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Founding Fathers Issue Statement from the Afterlife: “Don’t Fuck With Our Constitution. Still No Kings!”
From the afterlife, America’s Founding Fathers release a rare joint statement: “Don’t mess with our Constitution. Still no kings. Seriously, we meant it the first time.”
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Nation Prepares for “No Kings” March, Conservatives Bracing for Outbreak of Democracy
Officials brace for the “No Kings” March as conservatives warn of mass democracy exposure and protesters prepare to celebrate America’s original rebellion.
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GOP Calls “No Kings” March Anti-American, Forgetting America’s Entire Origin Story
Protesters rally under the banner “No Kings,” prompting GOP outrage and a reminder that 1776 was basically the same event minus the Wi-Fi.
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MAGA Furious at Newsom for Copying Trump’s Tweet Style While Accidentally Roasting Themselves
MAGA supporters called Gavin Newsom “immature” and a “loser” for copying Trump’s Twitter style, accidentally describing both their leader and themselves.
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The Great American Freedom-Off: Who’s the Freest of Them All?
Contestants from across the nation battle for ultimate independence in a reality show that rewards whoever breaks the most rules while insisting they’re law-abiding citizens.
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MAGA Declares “I Am Charlie,” Accidentally Admits They Too Oppose Logic
“I Am Charlie” is the new MAGA slogan. But standing with Kirk really means defending shaky beliefs on race, guns, and logic itself.
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MAGA Psychic Farmer Files for Bankruptcy, Shocked He Didn’t See It Coming
Farmers overwhelmingly backed Trump, but one psychic farmer learned the hard way that bankruptcy is easier to predict with numbers than with vibes and lack of education.
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Only in America Can a Felon Blame Felons and Immigrants
A convicted felon with an immigrant spouse tells America that felons and immigrants are the problem. The audience applauds, then asks for an encore.
