Gender Roles Reversed Again, Then Inside Out Over Brunch

In today’s thrilling installment of “What Are We Even Doing Anymore,” new data suggests that when men make money, they suddenly dream of buying a home, raising children, and budgeting for Disney+. Meanwhile, when women make money, they often dream of escaping all of that — and maybe buying a tiny espresso machine for their solo apartment in Lisbon.

“It’s like The Sims, but reversed,” said one relationship podcaster who’s been engaged to three different co-hosts. “Men earn and want to settle. Women earn and want to disappear. It’s a vibe shift no one was prepared for, except that we totally were.”

Sociologists blame capitalism, patriarchy, astrology, and kombucha in rotating order. One theorist proposed that this is less about gender and more about the raw trauma of dual-income relationships that still somehow involve folding your partner’s underwear.

“I just want to provide,” said Tyler, 34, whose recent promotion inspired a sudden urge to install a home gym and propose. “I want to be a rock for someone.”

“I want to be a rock, too,” said Sabrina, 31, “just like… at the bottom of a volcano, unreachable by text.”

Experts agree: it’s not that men and women want different things — it’s just that money gives them permission to want loudly. And in a world where love has to compete with skincare fridges, tax brackets, and soft-launching your new therapist on Instagram, emotional availability has never been more over-budget.

“Relationships today are less about who you are,” said Jules Cringeley, “and more about which financial milestone makes you emotionally unavailable. We used to hide behind feelings. Now we hide behind Roth IRAs.”

The study concludes with a simple truth: when it comes to love and money, everyone’s pretending. Some are pretending to build a future. Some are pretending not to need one. And some are just trying to finish their brunch without texting their ex.