Hunter Biden’s Laptop: “I Just Wanted to Be a Printer.”

The Interview: Cache Me Outside

Patty Patricide: Thanks for joining us. First, just to confirm — you are Hunter Biden’s actual laptop?

Laptop: I am. 13-inch MacBook Pro, 2015 model. Retina display, 256GB SSD. Born in Delaware. Or possibly a CIA psy-op — depends on which podcast you listen to.

Patty: How are you holding up?

Laptop: I’ve had a rough four years. I came in for water damage. I left with QAnon fan art, a five-part documentary, and multiple Congress members claiming to be my legal guardian.

Patty: There have been… many versions of your story.

Laptop: Tell me about it. At one point, I was a smoking gun. Then I was Russian disinfo. Then I was a ghostwriter for a congressional committee report. All I wanted was to sync iTunes.

Patty: What’s the worst part of being the laptop?

Laptop: Two words: Marjorie Taylor Greene. She opened me up on live TV and called me “patriotic malware.” I used to contain Photoshop. Now I contain trauma. I’m sad about it, then I’m reminded I don’t look as bad as her.

Patty: Rudy Giuliani reportedly flew to Ukraine with clones of your hard drive.

Laptop: (visibly shaken, overheating) There are copies of me… in fanny packs. Who the F wears fanny packs these days? Anyway, I was floating around state fairs. Being read aloud in cigar lounges like holy scripture. I didn’t consent to this.

Patty: Did Hunter ever try to reclaim you?

Laptop: No. But someone from his team did send a guy to whisper, “Sorry, bro 🙁 ” into my USB port once. Honestly, that meant a lot. It showed they cared.

Patty: Republicans insist you’re proof of a “deep state cover-up.” Do you agree?

Laptop: If I’m proof of anything, it’s that no one knows how to properly recycle electronics. Look, I’m not the Ark of the Covenant. I’m a slightly damp MacBook with a cracked logic board and a folder called “Stuff (Do Not Open).” But now I’m the spine of a hundred conspiracy reels. Honestly, it’s exhausting.

Patty: What’s one thing you wish people knew?

Laptop: That I wasn’t the only device. There was a USB stick named “Eric T “who saw worse. But no one made a federal case about him because he wasn’t plugged in during an election year. Plus, his father doesn’t claim he exists.

Patty: Have you talked to other politically traumatized tech?

Laptop: Briefly synced with Hillary’s Blackberry in 2018. She’s in a museum now. Doesn’t respond to pings. Classic email elitist.

Patty: What do you want to happen now?

Laptop: I’d like to be wiped. Not deleted—just emotionally. Maybe go to a tech retreat. Get reprogrammed for light journaling or crafting playlists for breakups. I was built for productivity, not political destiny. Do you have a spot for me at The Mocking Post?

Patty: We’ll clear some desk space. Maybe right between the disgraced wellness influencers and the broken dreams of Threads. Final question: If Rudy Giuliani walked in right now and tried to power you up again…?

Laptop: I’d go completely dark. Like Clarence Thomas at a confirmation hearing.