If Jesus Came to America, Neither Party Would Claim Him
Dr. Sabrina Doctrine, PhD
Senior Mockitor, Emotional Overreaction
Senior Columnist, Psychology & Relationships
Republicans would deport Him, Democrats would over-schedule Him, and both would scramble to spin His parables into campaign slogans.
The question of what Jesus would do if He arrived in America today has finally been answered by political scientists: He would not get past customs.
On the Republican side, He would be flagged at the border for being Middle Eastern, lacking paperwork, and speaking in suspicious parables instead of plain English. His record of feeding the hungry without charging market price would be labeled “socialism.” His compassion for the poor would be condemned as “woke.” And His insistence on welcoming strangers would be cited as a national security threat. Trump would tell Him that he knows more about the Bible than Jesus and send him to alligator Alcatraz for not endorsing him.
Democrats, meanwhile, would greet Him at JFK with a 37-page intake form. They would arrange a press tour, enroll Him in diversity workshops, and attempt to reframe the Sermon on the Mount into a bipartisan jobs program. The poor would still be poor, but they would receive beautifully worded newsletters about it.
In Congress, Republicans would accuse Him of trying to cancel law enforcement after He suggested turning the other cheek. Democrats would agree in principle, then table the motion for further review. Both sides would avoid His core message entirely, as it does not poll well in swing states.
Fundraising emails would explode. Republicans would sell “Jesus Was American” bumper stickers and defying Jesus as a Middle Eastern Jew, while Democrats would release “Jesus 2028” merch made in three different factories overseas. Neither would ask Him for comment.
The tragedy is that both parties already know they could not handle Him. Republicans would reject Him for not being white, rich, or sufficiently armed. Democrats would embrace Him with language so diluted that His teachings would dissolve into committee reports.
Jesus said, “Blessed are the meek.” Republicans hear weakness. Democrats hear “meekness funding must be increased in next year’s budget.” Neither hears Him at all.
And so, the most likely outcome is that Jesus would walk quietly past the Capitol, unnoticed, until He is arrested for loitering without ID. At His trial, both sides would use Him as a talking point. Neither side would sit long enough to listen.
