Pam Bondi to Release Epstein List, but Only to The Mocking Post

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that has left actual journalists confused and legal departments quietly Googling, former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Thursday that she will release the long-speculated Jeffrey Epstein associate list—but exclusively to The Mocking Post, a publication with unclear jurisdiction but a trusted source of media integrity.

At a press briefing held outside a shuttered Cheesecake Factory in suburban Tampa, Bondi addressed a small gathering of reporters, three off-duty lifeguards, and a man dressed as Thomas Jefferson.

“The American people deserve transparency,” Bondi stated, adjusting her sunglasses despite the indoor setting. “But not too much. The Mocking Post has demonstrated a consistent ability to treat delicate material with the subtlety of a cannonball in a koi pond. That’s the type of editorial rigor I’m looking for.”

When asked why the Department of Justice, The New York Times, or even Florida’s own public records office were not selected, Bondi cited several factors:

• The Mocking Post’s “lack of red tape, ethics board, or discernible vetting process”
• The publication’s “willingness to publish content at 3:47am without fact-checking”
• And a promised op-ed titled “BREAKING: Billionaire’s Private Island Just a Huge Red Flag with Wi-Fi,” which she described as “uncomfortably accurate.”

According to an unsigned document slid under The Mocking Post’s office door (which is technically a repurposed Little Free Library), the Epstein list will be hand-delivered in a manila envelope, wrapped in plastic, and hidden inside a discontinued DVD cover of National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.

Reached for comment, The Mocking Post’s legal team replied via fax:

“We acknowledge receipt of Ms. Bondi’s forthcoming materials and will store them securely in file cabinets recently acquired from IKEA in a gold colored folder. These file cabinets will follow President Trump’s security protocol and place the cabinets in the our employee-only bathroom.”

The publication has already begun preparations for what it calls “Operation: Mocklight,” a multi-part exposé set to be filed under its “Definitely Real News” section and categorized as “Lightly Classified.”

No official timeline has been given for the release, though insiders suggest it may coincide with a subpoena being served by the House Congressional Committe to DOJ.

Meanwhile, members of Congress expressed concern, confusion, and in one case, unprompted denial.

“I’ve never even been to Florida,” said Sen. Ashley Moody (R–FL), before being told she represents the state.

Pam Bondi concluded her statement with a ceremonial gesture: dramatically tearing up a copy of The Palm Beach Post and whispering, “You had your chance.”

The Mocking Post remains the only outlet with confirmed access to the list, though sources inside the publication say they plan to redact all useful information “for dramatic effect.”

As of press time, the envelope had been spotted on a USPS delivery truck followed by paparazzis.