Scientists Confirm Straight Couples Responsible for Every Gay Person on Earth

NEW YORK, NY — A groundbreaking revelation has shaken the very core of homophobic logic: gay people are not created by other gay people. They are, in fact, exclusively manufactured by straight couples.

For centuries, straight parents have churned out queer children at a rate that suggests either God has a sense of humor or evolution just likes irony. Despite this, the loudest critics of LGBTQ rights keep yelling at the wrong demographic.

“Every gay person alive is living proof that heterosexuals can’t stop creating us,” said Dr. Alan Rivera, a sociologist. “If you don’t want gay people around, I have some shocking news: put down the missionary position and pick up a new hobby.”

At anti-LGBTQ rallies, this inconvenient truth has been met with silence. Asked if they’d consider abstinence to curb the so-called “gay agenda,” one protester clutched his fourth child, all under the age of seven, and muttered something about drag queens.

Meanwhile, experts say gay couples actually produce zero biological offspring together, making them the most efficient non-replicators of the species. “If overpopulation is a problem, gay folks are the unsung heroes,” said one environmental researcher. “It’s the straights who can’t stop flooding the market.”

Social critics have since proposed a new slogan: “Don’t like gay people? Stop reproducing.” Early polling shows strong support from everyone except the exact group it targets.