Men Against Trans Rights Confirmed to Be Expecting, Due Any Minute

ATLANTA — After months of research (and one uncomfortable trip to a Bass Pro Shop), observers have confirmed a startling pattern: the men screaming loudest about trans rights already look like contestants on “RuPaul’s Beer Belly Pregnancy Race.”

Witnesses describe the scene at anti-trans rallies as “less traditional masculinity, more community baby shower about to give birth.” Many of the men can be spotted with sagging T-shirt cleavage, swollen midsections that resemble second trimesters, and the gait of someone moments away from asking, “Can I get an epidural with my Bud Light?”

“Every guy there looked like he was smuggling a gender reveal party under his belt,” said one bystander. “And somehow they’re the ones worried about biology?”

“It’s uncanny,” said Dr. Melissa Owens, a sociologist who reviewed photos of anti-trans protest leaders. “These are men who rant endlessly about protecting the sanctity of manhood, who can’t run half a mile, while visibly lactating rage and cradling beer bellies shaped like overdue twins.”

Doctors have jokingly referred to the condition as ‘Chestfeeding Hypocrisy Syndrome,’ in which men decry hormone use while their own bodies churn out estrogen like a Dairy Queen soft-serve machine.

Even more bizarre: while condemning “men in dresses,” many of these critics shop exclusively in the Loose-Fit Women’s section at Walmart, where the fabric has a fighting chance against their maternity curves.

One rally-goer defended his look: “This ain’t fat, this is power.” On closer inspection, it turned out to be both — and also a bra size most women would kill for.

Sources confirmed several anti-trans leaders had begun craving pickles and ice cream while announcing they “don’t want their sons using the girls’ bathroom,” despite looking like they’ve already been using it for prenatal yoga.