GOP Calls “No Kings” March Anti-American, Forgetting America’s Entire Origin Story

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Across the country this Saturday, Americans are marching to celebrate a radical idea: that no one man should rule the nation. It’s a concept known as “the foundation of the United States,” though the GOP is currently rebranding it as “The Hate America March.”

Conservative commentators call the protests “ungrateful” and “unpatriotic,” arguing that questioning authority is disrespectful to the country, a take that would make King George feel right at home.

“We support the Constitution,” says one Republican congressman, “just not the parts that keep getting in the way of our guy.”

Organizers of the No Kings March describe the movement as a tribute to the Founders’ vision, not a rejection of America, but a recommitment to it. “We’re literally doing what they did in 1776,” says one protester, holding a sign that reads, ‘No crowns, just checks and balances.’

Historians confirm the irony, noting that if today’s conservatives were around during the Revolution, they would accuse Washington and Jefferson of being “woke.”

Pundits warn that the marches could “divide the nation,” ignoring that division is precisely what created it. “The Founding Fathers divided from Britain,” says one scholar. “That was kind of their whole brand.”

When asked whether the marchers are being disrespectful to the presidency, one participant replies, “We’re not against presidents. We’re against kings who think they are.”

In Philadelphia, protesters dressed as colonial revolutionaries hand out pocket Constitutions and tea bags labeled ‘Steeped in Freedom.’ Meanwhile, an opposing crowd waves flags reading ‘America First, History Second.’

Political analysts say the uproar reveals a widening gap between performative patriotism and actual democracy, the kind that demands accountability, not applause.

“If the Founding Fathers could see this crowd,” one historian muses, “they’d probably hand them muskets and say, ‘You’re doing great. Maybe chill on the merch.’”

By Sunday, several GOP figures are already teasing a counter-rally called the “Yes Kings Freedom Tour,” rumored to feature gold-plated podiums, choreographed loyalty pledges, and live readings of tweets mistaken for scripture.