Local Man Discovers He Has Opinion on Strait of Hormuz, Cannot Locate It on Map

TULSA, OK — Area resident Gary Pelkey confirmed Thursday that he holds a firm, non-negotiable position on control of the Strait of Hormuz, a body of water he could not identify on a map, a globe, or, when pressed, the correct continent.

“It’s ours. Or it should be. Either way it’s a huge mistake,” said Pelkey, gesturing at his placemat to roughly indicate the Middle East. “I don’t get too deep into the specifics. I just know how I feel about it.”

Pelkey formed his position sometime during a commercial break and hasn’t wavered since, despite being unable to name the two countries the strait runs between, what actually passes through it, or whether “strait” refers to water or some kind of policy.

“Some kind of channel, I want to say,” he offered. “Could also be a peninsula situation.”

His coworkers say this tracks. Pelkey has held equally confident views on interest rates, the electoral college, and a Belgian trade dispute he first heard about that same morning — all delivered with the same tone of a man who has clearly done the reading.

By Thursday afternoon he’d moved on to explaining the situation to his neighbor using a pizza as a visual aid, the pepperoni standing in for “roughly where Iran is, probably.”

He was already two opinions deep into something about NATO by the time she managed to leave.