The Death of the Conservative Christian Conscience

Mockituary: Conservative Christian Conscience (33 A.D. – 2024)
Survived by Power, Prosperity Doctrine, and an Instagram account that posts quotes Jesus never said.

The Conservative Christian Conscience was pronounced dead at 6:45 a.m. after a brief but intense struggle with cognitive dissonance. The cause of death was officially ruled as overexposure to tribal politics, though friends say the real killer was neglect.

Once a guiding moral compass, the conscience spent its final years in silent retreat, often pacing behind pulpits, Bible study groups, and political rallies, watching its name used in vain with increasing frequency.

Raised on stories of radical forgiveness, compassion for outcasts, and loving one’s neighbor, the Conscience showed early promise. But signs of spiritual decay began when it was repeatedly forced to choose between what Christ taught and who could overturn Roe.

In 2016 and 2024, the patient suffered a major fracture, voting overwhelmingly for a thrice-married casino mogul known for adultery, fraud, sexual assault, and bearing false witness, all while claiming to represent “family values.” This was followed by a steady decline in self-awareness, worsened by cable news and the internet’s ability to filter empathy out of scripture.

Eyewitnesses reported the final blow came during an immigration debate, when the Conscience was seen quietly weeping as church elders proposed Jesus should have been detained at the border for “not having papers” and “looking suspiciously Middle Eastern.”

“They said He broke the law,” said one nurse. “Then they locked Him in Alligator Alcatraz and posted about it on Facebook.”

Attempts to revive the conscience using parables, Beatitudes, or even direct quotes from Jesus were met with cries of “socialist,” “woke,” and “that’s not what He meant.”

It is survived by:

• Selective Outrage, which only activates when Starbucks changes cup colors.
• Prosperity Gospel, which confirmed that it did indeed inherit everything in the will.
• Cultural Christianity, which will be holding a celebration-of-life barbecue in a megachurch parking lot this Sunday, featuring a bounce house and voter registration booth.

In lieu of flowers, mourners are encouraged to reread the Sermon on the Mount, practice humility, and remember that when Jesus said “I was a stranger and you invited me in,” He didn’t mean after checking voter ID and skin tone.

The body will not be buried — it has already been wrapped in the flag and mounted on a wall next to a framed copy of Leviticus, selectively highlighted.