Immigrants Still Taking American Jobs, Mostly the Ones No One Else Wants
Americans say immigrants are stealing jobs, just not the ones that involve heat, lifting, or responsibility.
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Millions Celebrate Crackdown on “Antifa,” Still Unsure Whether It’s a Band, a Virus, or a Salad Ingredient
Trump’s move to label Antifa a terrorist group has supporters celebrating the end of something they still can’t define, identify, or spell.
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Detox Teas That Melt Fat Fast: Science Says They Drain Your Wallet, Not Your Waistline
Detox teas promise miracles, celebrity endorsements swear by them, and science says they just flush out money faster than toxins.
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Men Against Trans Rights Confirmed to Be Expecting, Due Any Minute
The loudest men against trans rights look like they’re nursing twins, expecting triplets, and auditioning to breastfeed the hypocrisy right out of themselves.
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Gavin Newsom Awarded Nobel Peace Prize, Trump Calls It “Rigged Like a Leaf Blower”
Gavin Newsom wins the Nobel Peace Prize for political calm and climate leadership, while Trump insists he was “robbed by Norway” and demands a recount.
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Founding Fathers Issue Statement from the Afterlife: “Don’t Fuck With Our Constitution. Still No Kings!”
From the afterlife, America’s Founding Fathers release a rare joint statement: “Don’t mess with our Constitution. Still no kings. Seriously, we meant it the first time.”
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Nation Prepares for “No Kings” March, Conservatives Bracing for Outbreak of Democracy
Officials brace for the “No Kings” March as conservatives warn of mass democracy exposure and protesters prepare to celebrate America’s original rebellion.
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GOP Calls “No Kings” March Anti-American, Forgetting America’s Entire Origin Story
Protesters rally under the banner “No Kings,” prompting GOP outrage and a reminder that 1776 was basically the same event minus the Wi-Fi.
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MAGA Furious at Newsom for Copying Trump’s Tweet Style While Accidentally Roasting Themselves
MAGA supporters called Gavin Newsom “immature” and a “loser” for copying Trump’s Twitter style, accidentally describing both their leader and themselves.
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Turning Point Demands “All-American” Super Bowl Halftime Show, Accidentally Serves Tacos at the Press Conference
Turning Point USA wants an “All-American” Super Bowl halftime show to protest Bad Bunny’s Spanish lyrics, accidentally serving tacos while ignoring that Trump’s own rallies played Latin salsa hits.
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The Great American Freedom-Off: Who’s the Freest of Them All?
Contestants from across the nation battle for ultimate independence in a reality show that rewards whoever breaks the most rules while insisting they’re law-abiding citizens.
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Scientists Confirm Straight Couples Responsible for Every Gay Person on Earth
Gay people don’t make more gay people, straight couples do. Which means if you hate gay people, maybe stop having sex, Karen and Chad.
