Nation Prepares for “No Kings” March, Conservatives Bracing for Outbreak of Democracy

Phoenix, AZ — The nation is preparing for Saturday’s “No Kings” March, a sprawling pro-democracy rally honoring the country’s founding principle that no one man should rule. Conservative leaders, however, are calling it “a dangerous experiment in freedom.”

Pundits warn that the event could trigger “widespread outbreaks of democracy” across multiple states, with symptoms including critical thinking, historical literacy, and spontaneous flag-waving without corporate sponsorship.

“We’re concerned about what happens when Americans start reading the Constitution again,” said one Republican strategist. “That document hasn’t been properly interpreted since the invention of social media.”

Homeland Security officials are reportedly monitoring the situation but admit the crowd’s chants of “No Kings, Just Voters” pose little risk beyond mild irony exposure.

In the Capitol, aides say several lawmakers are experiencing “freedom fatigue” from hearing constituents discuss the Founding Fathers unironically. “It’s been centuries,” sighed one congressional staffer. “Can’t people just move on from independence already?”

Meanwhile, conservative media outlets are advising viewers to remain indoors and “avoid prolonged exposure to civic engagement.” One network plans continuous coverage under the banner “Crisis of Liberty: When Americans Go Too Far.”

Protest organizers stress that the march is peaceful and patriotic. “We’re not rebelling,” said one participant. “We’re just reminding everyone that America started as a rebellion.”

Experts predict the event will attract tens of thousands carrying signs like “America Is About No Kings,” “1776 Was the Original Protest,” and “We Read the Fine Print.”

A local historian praised the movement’s timing. “It’s comforting to see people standing up for democracy while half the country mistakes authoritarianism for leadership,” he said. “It’s like watching George Washington trend again, but without the wig.”

As of Friday evening, authorities confirm there’s no credible threat, other than from irony itself.

At press time, several GOP leaders are drafting statements to condemn the event “in the strongest possible patriotic terms,” while quietly rehearsing the Pledge of Allegiance to remember which side they’re on.