Founding Fathers Issue Statement from the Afterlife: “Don’t Fuck With Our Constitution. Still No Kings!”

HEAVEN — In a rare celestial press conference held at what sources describe as “the pearly rotunda,” several Founding Fathers appeared visibly frustrated as they addressed rising authoritarian vibes in modern America.

“Let me be absolutely clear,” said George Washington, adjusting his ghostly tri-corner hat. “We didn’t fight a war, draft a Constitution, and survive dysentery just for y’all to start flirting with monarchy again.”

Thomas Jefferson, looking down through a spectral telescope, added, “We literally wrote no kings. It’s not symbolic. It’s not metaphorical. It’s the whole damn thesis.”

The afterlife statement, officially titled “Still No Kings: The Remix,” was reportedly prompted by increasing political idolatry and the general confusion between leadership and worship. “We designed checks and balances,” said John Adams, “not checks and fan clubs.”

Ben Franklin, now head of the Department of Eternal Electricity, chimed in: “Every time someone says the Founders would support one-man rule, I lose a spark. Literally. I flicker.”

Asked if they had any message for modern lawmakers, Alexander Hamilton sighed deeply and said, “The Constitution is not a loyalty test. It’s a user manual. Try reading it before updating your bios with ‘Patriot.’”

The Founders also condemned recent attempts to redefine patriotism as unquestioning allegiance to one person. “We threw tea in the harbor for less than that,” said Samuel Adams.

When asked about the upcoming “No Kings March,” the collective response was reportedly enthusiastic. “Finally,” Jefferson said, “some Americans are standing up for the concept we risked our necks for. Tell them to hydrate and raise hell, peacefully.”

As the briefing concluded, Franklin floated to the microphone one last time. “Please remember: tyranny doesn’t come dressed as evil,” he warned. “It shows up wrapped in a flag, quoting us out of context, and sometimes they come looking orange.”

Moments later, the Founders vanished into a bright light, leaving behind a single parchment fluttering to the clouds. It read, in perfect calligraphy:

“Don’t fuck with our Constitution. Still no kings.”