Immigrants Still Taking American Jobs, Mostly the Ones No One Else Wants

FRESNO, CA — Across the country, Americans continue sounding the alarm that immigrants are “taking all the jobs,” though none of them can name a single position they were personally planning to apply for.

“They’re everywhere,” said one man outside a hardware store. “They’re taking construction jobs, farm jobs, and cleaning jobs.” When asked if he’d ever considered working in any of those fields, he replied, “Of course not. I have back pain and standards.”

Despite accusations that immigrants “don’t follow the law,” ICE continues to arrest them in courtrooms, fields, and restaurants, locations typically reserved for people who do follow laws, show up to work, and pay taxes on time.

Farm owners, meanwhile, report a nationwide shortage of workers willing to pick crops in 100-degree weather. “We posted the job online,” said one grower. “The only applicants were a teenager asking if it counts as ‘content creation’ and a guy named Brent who wanted to work remotely.”

Construction sites across the country echo the same irony: immigrants are called criminals for building the very homes and office parks where their critics later take air-conditioned selfies.

Economists note that America’s most passionate anti-immigrant voices tend to appear only between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. on social media, hours they allegedly spend working.

“There’s this idea that immigrants are coming for our livelihoods,” said Dr. Maria Sanchez, a cultural analyst. “But really, they’re just coming for our shifts.”

Even courthouse janitors are under scrutiny. One man was detained mid-mop during a deportation proceeding, a moment experts describe as “poetry in policy form.” A judge was tackled and handcuffed by saying “gracias” fluently ,and later was released after showing his birth certificate.

Still, politicians continue to vow they’ll “protect American workers,” though they’ve never been spotted near a farm, hotel laundry room, or construction site without a camera crew.

Critics call it hypocrisy. Supporters call it tradition.

ICE confirmed that it had raided three workplaces and two courthouses in a single day, resulting in five job openings and no American applicants.