BREAKING: Woman Called Brave for Having Opinion
Apparently, expressing a thought now qualifies as heroism, as long as you smile afterward and include a disclaimer in parentheses.
Man Spends More on Supplements Than Rent and Still Won’t Get Bloodwork
He’s on six nootropics, four testosterone boosters, and one mushroom powder from a guy named Craig. But a $92 lab test? “Feels invasive.”
Financial Influencer Says You Can Retire at 31 by Chaging Your Personality
He achieved financial freedom by waking up at 4:11 a.m., rejecting joy, and not speaking to friends for six years. You can too.
My Ideal Date Involves Sedating Large Predators or Mountain Summits
You like coffee? Cute. I like high-stakes survival. If we’re not rappelling by noon or tranquilizing something with fangs, we’re just coworkers with better lighting.
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Random Articles
My Ideal Date Involves Sedating Large Predators or Mountain Summits
You like coffee? Cute. I like high-stakes survival. If we’re not rappelling by noon or tranquilizing something with fangs, we’re…
Newly Single Dad Wants to See Where It Goes, Overshare About His Ex
He’s emotionally available — for anyone willing to hear a 14-part saga about why his divorce wasn’t his fault. Bonus…
Must Align With My Unwavering Beliefs Sourced Exclusively From YouTube
He doesn’t need to be perfect — he just needs to believe what I believe, in the exact order I…
Woman’s Profile Powered by Quotes Raises Alarms for Thought Drought
She’s manifesting love, but only using fonts from 2014. Experts warn the rise in recycled quote bios may signal…
My Buddy Found Peace, Culture, and Life in the Philippines
My friend Richie went to the Philippines for peace, beaches, and new beginnings. He found all that, plus a Balut…
My Dad Fixed the Sink, I Called a Plumber. What Does That Make Me?
He used a wrench and confidence. I used Yelp and panic. But hey, the drip’s gone — except the one…
Predictably wrong
Entertainment
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Dear Dr. Doctrine
My Professor Live-Streamed Our Class Without Telling Us. Now I’m a Meme.
I go to a mid-sized state university and recently discovered that one of my professors has been live-streaming…
Corporate Stars That Shouldn’t Collide
Astronomer CEO Andy Byron says the universe “sent a sign” during Coldplay—unfortunately, it looked a lot like being…
My Burnout Coach Gave Me Homework
When self-care becomes another deliverable. Dr. Doctrine decodes the emotional invoice, and Ricky Machismo responds with grit, dumbbells,…
My Four-Year-Old Called Me Emotionally Unavailable
When toddlers start diagnosing attachment issues, is it growth or generational backlash? Dr. Doctrine offers a dose of…
My Husband Listens to Therapy Recordings at 2x Speed
When emotional growth meets audio compression. Dr. Doctrine weighs in on relationship multitasking, and Aria adds her elegantly…
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health
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Mockitors (Editors)
Lance Outrage
Lance files grievances like Yelp reviews—sharp, personal, and always with a suggested solution.
Bryce Blunder
Bryce thinks out loud so you don’t have to—because you really, really shouldn’t.
Chaz Blamington
If it’s trending, she’s already disappointed. Chaz deconstructs gossip with the ruthless charm of someone who’s been blocked by every Real Housewife.
Lux Wilde
Decoding fame, fashion, and your latest spiral. Lux files it all under performance art with a moodboard and mild psychosis.
Informant
The Informant leaks inside jokes and half-truths from TMP’s deepest shadows.
Kara Conforman
Kara analyzes power like she’s trying to seduce it—and often succeeds.
Florence Factson
Florence double-checks your takes before you embarrass yourself, but usually waits until it’s too late.